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Numb to the Disease

Have you ever had something happen to you that was so shameful and/or embarassing that you blocked it from your mind and became totally numb to the situation?  Well, I had an experience like this my sophomore year of college.   At that time, I  began  to engage in sexual sin with a gentlemen I was involved with for about two years off and on.  I thought it was the thing to do since I had been with him for some time and the relationship seemed to be pretty exclusive, or so I thought.  After having the abortion, I was scheduled to come back within the next week or two to have a check up done to make sure the procedure went well and that there was no problems or concerns thereafter.  The check up went well, however, they also administered a pap smear where they checked me to see if I had any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).  A couple of weeks after having the pap smear done,  I received a letter in the mail instructing me to call them because they had some important information to tell me. Instantly, I became fearful, wondering what could they possibly have to tell me.  I followed the instructions and contacted them first thing the next morning only to learn that I had contracted Chlamydia.  "What in the world is that?" was my first thought.  The representative continued on explaining that this was a common STD which is caused by some sort of bacteria. Furthermore, the representative stated that they had written me out a prescription to have filled at my local pharmacist, as the disease was curable.  Immediately, I gave the representative the information to the nearest pharmacist so that I could get rid of this foolishness.

After my discussion with the clinic, I was finally able to process everything that was going on in my life. "Why did this happen to me God? It wasn't like I slept around with a lot of people.  Why me?" These questions began to circle around my head like a load of laundry.  On top of that, I began to question my relationship because I knew that I did not have the disease before, which only meant I got it from one other person.  Instantly I was saddened because I felt betrayed, filthy, and worthless.  Who would want to involve themselves with some one like me once they learned that I had some sort of sexually transmitted disease. 

Eventually, as time passed I began to push this situation as far from my mind as possible, as I couldn't believe that this had happened to me.  In addition, I could not tell anyone that this had happened to me.  It had become so far removed from my mind that eventually I did not even remember that I had been through such a nightmare.  It wasn't until 2009 when I was pregnant with my son that the horribe nightmare resurfaced and I had to relive the situation, as one of the questions that is asked during the initial doctor's visits is whether or not you had ever been pregnant before and whether or not you had any type of disease at some point of your life.  Aside from the actual abortion, this was the most shameful and embarassing thing I had to face.  "How did I end up with an STD? Why did I have to experience such an awful thing when there are people in this world that sleep around for a living?  How could I be so irresponsible? After all, I was not raised like this, so how could I allow something like this to happen to me?"  Aside from all the thoughts and questions, I also had to communicate this to the person that gave this horrible disease to me.  When I decided to call him to let him know, it was as if this was a joke to him, as his response was very nonchalant, almost as if he knew he had this but decided not to tell me.  Can you say heatedandirate.com?!  I felt set up and unappreciated.  How could someone that claimed to care for you do such a thing?!?!  For years I carried this in addition to the pain and hurt, so much so that I became numb and mute to the situation.  I have learned that this was a trap of the enemy to keep me bound in shame, fear, rejection, and embarassment.   Furthermore, it had caused me to create my own walls of protection (out of fear), even when it came to God blessing me with a husband that genuinely loves and cares for me.  I knew I loved my husband with all my heart but felt that there was some sort of blockage.  I felt like this relationship and eventually marriage was too good to be true and that it would somehow all end.  After all, why would God bless me with such an amazing husband after all I have done?  In addition, I felt like I had to have up walls of protection, so should I ever have to face something remotely close to my nightmare of losing my husband, I would somehow be prepared. 

Recently, God has been revealing a lot of hidden and dark areas in my life, as I have been participating in a 21 Day Daniel Fast with many other ladies around the world.  During our morning prayer time, I have been experiencing great victory and deliverance from the spirit of shame, rejection, embarassment, and fear, as God has begun to show me the root of these awful strongholds on my life.  I believe the deepest of them all have been shame and fear.  A fear and shame that wants to keep me silent from sharing my testimony with others but this morning God brought me a word that came out of Jeremiah 1:17-19 that reads, "Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you.  Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them.  Today I have made you a fortified city, and iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land-against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land.  They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

Be encouraged!

Comments

  1. Wonderful post. Thanks for being so open and transparent. I had a very similar experience and still struggle with shame and guilt. I wonder why I am allowed so many blessings despite all my past dirt, randomness, etc. Regardless of how I want to run from everything it is impossible because God knows all...thankfully he forgives all!

    This post was such a blessing and another sign that I really need to start dealing with (not pushing aside) the demons of the past.

    God Bless!

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  2. Samarra your blog is truly a blessing not only to you, and your spirit, but also to others. Thanks for listening to God speak through you, while showing others that God is all that really matters. Love you lil' sis,
    Donna B.

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  3. You are a remarkable woman of God. Keep allowing God to use you.

    ~Renee Clements~

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  4. I am truly inspired by your blogs. I pray that I too will be as bold as you one day. Keep it up!

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  5. Thanks so much ladies....I am glad God is using me to help others walk in their freedom. Love you all!!! Also, please feel free to share with others and encourage them to follow along side me as I walk completely free from the many demonic forces that had me bound.

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  6. Sista! Praise God! I am so thankful to God that He loves us so much that He desires that we let the healing in! I stand with you in being delivered from shame, fear and other strongholds that have kept us from knowing the fullness in God through the Holy Spirit!

    Love you lots and Thank God for the Conference Calls!

    Lets Allow The LORD to continue to heal us by His Grace and Mercy! He will use our Testimonies to give other women and young girls hope in this dark world!

    Glory be to God our ABBA Father! Tosha Ramsey

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  7. This is good stuff...that scripture at the end...yeah all God!

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