Greetings Beautiful People

I would like to welcome you to join me as I travel down my road to freedom. If you have ever dealt with shame, unforgiveness, bitterness, fear, anger and rage, (just to name a few) feel free to join me in my journey.

~Peace and Blessings~

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Numb to the Disease

Have you ever had something happen to you that was so shameful and/or embarassing that you blocked it from your mind and became totally numb to the situation?  Well, I had an experience like this my sophomore year of college.   At that time, I  began  to engage in sexual sin with a gentlemen I was involved with for about two years off and on.  I thought it was the thing to do since I had been with him for some time and the relationship seemed to be pretty exclusive, or so I thought.  After having the abortion, I was scheduled to come back within the next week or two to have a check up done to make sure the procedure went well and that there was no problems or concerns thereafter.  The check up went well, however, they also administered a pap smear where they checked me to see if I had any sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).  A couple of weeks after having the pap smear done,  I received a letter in the mail instructing me to call them because they had some important information to tell me. Instantly, I became fearful, wondering what could they possibly have to tell me.  I followed the instructions and contacted them first thing the next morning only to learn that I had contracted Chlamydia.  "What in the world is that?" was my first thought.  The representative continued on explaining that this was a common STD which is caused by some sort of bacteria. Furthermore, the representative stated that they had written me out a prescription to have filled at my local pharmacist, as the disease was curable.  Immediately, I gave the representative the information to the nearest pharmacist so that I could get rid of this foolishness.

After my discussion with the clinic, I was finally able to process everything that was going on in my life. "Why did this happen to me God? It wasn't like I slept around with a lot of people.  Why me?" These questions began to circle around my head like a load of laundry.  On top of that, I began to question my relationship because I knew that I did not have the disease before, which only meant I got it from one other person.  Instantly I was saddened because I felt betrayed, filthy, and worthless.  Who would want to involve themselves with some one like me once they learned that I had some sort of sexually transmitted disease. 

Eventually, as time passed I began to push this situation as far from my mind as possible, as I couldn't believe that this had happened to me.  In addition, I could not tell anyone that this had happened to me.  It had become so far removed from my mind that eventually I did not even remember that I had been through such a nightmare.  It wasn't until 2009 when I was pregnant with my son that the horribe nightmare resurfaced and I had to relive the situation, as one of the questions that is asked during the initial doctor's visits is whether or not you had ever been pregnant before and whether or not you had any type of disease at some point of your life.  Aside from the actual abortion, this was the most shameful and embarassing thing I had to face.  "How did I end up with an STD? Why did I have to experience such an awful thing when there are people in this world that sleep around for a living?  How could I be so irresponsible? After all, I was not raised like this, so how could I allow something like this to happen to me?"  Aside from all the thoughts and questions, I also had to communicate this to the person that gave this horrible disease to me.  When I decided to call him to let him know, it was as if this was a joke to him, as his response was very nonchalant, almost as if he knew he had this but decided not to tell me.  Can you say!  I felt set up and unappreciated.  How could someone that claimed to care for you do such a thing?!?!  For years I carried this in addition to the pain and hurt, so much so that I became numb and mute to the situation.  I have learned that this was a trap of the enemy to keep me bound in shame, fear, rejection, and embarassment.   Furthermore, it had caused me to create my own walls of protection (out of fear), even when it came to God blessing me with a husband that genuinely loves and cares for me.  I knew I loved my husband with all my heart but felt that there was some sort of blockage.  I felt like this relationship and eventually marriage was too good to be true and that it would somehow all end.  After all, why would God bless me with such an amazing husband after all I have done?  In addition, I felt like I had to have up walls of protection, so should I ever have to face something remotely close to my nightmare of losing my husband, I would somehow be prepared. 

Recently, God has been revealing a lot of hidden and dark areas in my life, as I have been participating in a 21 Day Daniel Fast with many other ladies around the world.  During our morning prayer time, I have been experiencing great victory and deliverance from the spirit of shame, rejection, embarassment, and fear, as God has begun to show me the root of these awful strongholds on my life.  I believe the deepest of them all have been shame and fear.  A fear and shame that wants to keep me silent from sharing my testimony with others but this morning God brought me a word that came out of Jeremiah 1:17-19 that reads, "Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you.  Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them.  Today I have made you a fortified city, and iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land-against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land.  They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.

Be encouraged!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Bound by Shame: My Unborn Child

During my undergraduate career, I found myself at a backslidden state in my faith walk.  It was my first time out on my own without the supervision of my mother and I allowed the freedom to get the best of me.  I allowed myself to get caught up in the lies of guys and fall into sexual sin. Though I had morals and respect for myself by not sleeping with a lot of different guys, I still fell into the trap of the enemy.  After my first year of college, I got involved with a guy that I was dating off and on for about two years.  We engaged in sexual sin and I ended up pregnant.  When I first learned that I was pregnant, I was about 6 weeks along and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be getting an abortion.  In my opinion, neither of us could afford to bear a child.  Furthermore, as sad as it may sound, I had no sense of feeling or emotion about the abortion at the time; all I knew was that I was not going through with having a child and bringing shame upon myself and my family.  I could not bring myself to even think of being something that I promised my mother, myself, and God that I would never become. 

I remember going to the abortion clinic and seeing all of the other young girls with their mothers waiting to have the procedure.  The place was gloomy and depressing.  However, none of those things seemed to have mattered to me at the time. My mind was made up; when it was time for me to begin the procedure, I didn’t want to go through with the counseling process that they take you through to let you know the ends and outs of the procedure and to also give you an opportunity to decide against it. It was as if something had come over me and I had no remorse for my actions at the time.  For years I have lived with this and it was not until recently that God began to tell me that it was time to expose the enemy so that I may be set free from the bondage of shame.  When God placed it upon my heart to share my testimony, immediately fear gripped me and had me wondering what would people say or think about me after I disclosed such a dark time in my life where the shame that I felt was at its worse.  How could I ever look my mother or even my sister in the face to tell them such a thing?  Lord, please help me! I can't go through with this......

Well, it wasn’t until Friday, June 3, 2011 during my husband’s and my devotional hour, where God spoke to me from Matthew 10:26-31 that read, “So do not be afraid of them.  There is nothing con-cealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.  What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.  Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be
afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” 

Even after reading and understanding what God was saying to me in this passage, I continued to go back in forth in my mind as to whether or not this was something I wanted to share with the world due to the stronghold of shame.  However, this morning during my prayer time with some other sisters in Christ, God spoke through one of the prayer facilitators on the topic of abortion and how the women of the African-American community make up a large percentage of the abortion rate, even though we only make up about 13% of the U.S. population.  Furthermore, she explained that when you have or experience an abortion you enter into a “death right,” which is something that we don’t know when considering or even going through with an abortion because the enemy brings about a spirit of deception during that time. It can cause death in your finances, emotions, and can sometimes cause you to be barren when trying to conceive a child. 

Even though you may have experienced an abortion at some point in your life, you have the opportunity to repent and renounce the spirit of death from having an abortion, as I did, and speak life and fruitfulness to your finances, emotions, wounds, marriage, and family.  Today was the day that I walked in complete freedom from shame and allowed God to take complete control over that area of my life.  I encourage you to do the same.    

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Fatherless Home

Growing up for me had its challenges, as my mother raised my little sister and I without either of our fathers being physically present.  Now, don't mistake me, this is not a blog post to speak negatively about either of our fathers, I simply have the intention of taking you down the road that I traveled while growing up in a "fatherless home."

During the first five years of my life, my mother and I lived with my grandmother, aunts, and uncles.  However, at the the age of five, my mother moved out on her own, and my life began to change.  Once my mother moved out, she no longer had the physical and financial support she needed to provide for both of us.  I watched her work hard, day in and day out, to provide us with the necessities needed to survive.  Sometimes, before school, I would have to stay in the home alone just until it was time for me to head out to the bus stop, because my mother did not and could not afford to provide me with a sitter.  I use to think to myself, "If my father was here to help and assist, things would be better."  My father would help out financially when he could, as he would make sure I had the latest sneakers and clothing, but no material goods could replace the absence of him being physically in the home. 

When I graduated from 5th Grade, there was absolutely no one in the audience to support me because my mother had to work in order to continue providing and supporting the home on her own.  I can't quite remember why my father was not there, but all I remember is walking across the stage and hearing absolutely no one to cheer me on as I achieved one of my elementary school goals.  In addition, all of my other peers and friends were heading home early, celebrating over lunch their wonderful achievements, but I was left at school to walk the lonely halls until it was time for dismissal.  I was saddened by this for the longest time and for the life of me I didn't understand why this had to happen to me.  "Why was I chosen to undergo so many challenges during my childhood and even into some of my adult life?" 

Furthermore, as I matured and became interested in young boys, as crazy as it may sound, I wanted my father around to question and size up the young men that were interested in me.  Instead, I learned through trial and error because I did not have the discernment that only a man could have to see through another male.  At times, I would blame the heartache and pain I experienced through dating on my father because I felt that if he was physically around enough, half of the guys I dated wouldn't have stood a chance.  Living without my father in the home caused me to feel a sense of rejection, abandonment, and loneliness. I started to feel as if he did not want me, and if he did, why would he continue to be absent in my life?   There were also times when I cried to my mother asking her, "Why don't my father want me?"  My mother would always say something positive and never anything negative or derrogatory towards my father. 

However, there was one man that I knew I could count on when I called him, and that was my paternal grandfather, as he would do anything in his power for me. In addition, when my mother received Christ in her life, He started to send Godly men to father me and care for me as only a father could.  I then started getting counseling to walk free of the rejection, pain, and loneliness I felt in growing up without a father in the home.  I began to get the breakthrough in some areas as my late Pastor walked me through the process of receiving victory in those areas of my life.  I remember him distinctly saying to me, "I can be a father to you."  Though those words may not sound like much, at that time, for me, it said so much.  I had longed to hear those words from my biological father; however, finally it had come from my spiritual father. 

As God used my late Pastor, my paternal grandfather, my paternal and maternal uncles, and other men of the church to father me, I began to walk in complete healing and victory.  Today, I am able to love my father without reservations or ill thoughts towards him.  I have nothing but respect and love for him because the bible reads in  Ephesians 6:1-3, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.  "Honor your father and mother"-which is the first commandment with a promise-"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." In addition, I stood on the scripture in Psalms 68:5 that states that God promises to be a father to the fatherless.  God did absolutely that for me, as he placed men in my life that began to protect and love me as their own.  So even though you may be in a similar situation or have a child or children that could relate to my story, hold on to God's unchanging hand as He promised to be a father to the fatherless.