Bound by Shame: My Unborn Child

During my undergraduate career, I found myself at a backslidden state in my faith walk.  It was my first time out on my own without the supervision of my mother and I allowed the freedom to get the best of me.  I allowed myself to get caught up in the lies of guys and fall into sexual sin. Though I had morals and respect for myself by not sleeping with a lot of different guys, I still fell into the trap of the enemy.  After my first year of college, I got involved with a guy that I was dating off and on for about two years.  We engaged in sexual sin and I ended up pregnant.  When I first learned that I was pregnant, I was about 6 weeks along and there was no doubt in my mind that I would be getting an abortion.  In my opinion, neither of us could afford to bear a child.  Furthermore, as sad as it may sound, I had no sense of feeling or emotion about the abortion at the time; all I knew was that I was not going through with having a child and bringing shame upon myself and my family.  I could not bring myself to even think of being something that I promised my mother, myself, and God that I would never become. 

I remember going to the abortion clinic and seeing all of the other young girls with their mothers waiting to have the procedure.  The place was gloomy and depressing.  However, none of those things seemed to have mattered to me at the time. My mind was made up; when it was time for me to begin the procedure, I didn’t want to go through with the counseling process that they take you through to let you know the ends and outs of the procedure and to also give you an opportunity to decide against it. It was as if something had come over me and I had no remorse for my actions at the time.  For years I have lived with this and it was not until recently that God began to tell me that it was time to expose the enemy so that I may be set free from the bondage of shame.  When God placed it upon my heart to share my testimony, immediately fear gripped me and had me wondering what would people say or think about me after I disclosed such a dark time in my life where the shame that I felt was at its worse.  How could I ever look my mother or even my sister in the face to tell them such a thing?  Lord, please help me! I can't go through with this......

Well, it wasn’t until Friday, June 3, 2011 during my husband’s and my devotional hour, where God spoke to me from Matthew 10:26-31 that read, “So do not be afraid of them.  There is nothing con-cealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known.  What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs.  Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell.  Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father.  And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.  So don’t be
afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” 

Even after reading and understanding what God was saying to me in this passage, I continued to go back in forth in my mind as to whether or not this was something I wanted to share with the world due to the stronghold of shame.  However, this morning during my prayer time with some other sisters in Christ, God spoke through one of the prayer facilitators on the topic of abortion and how the women of the African-American community make up a large percentage of the abortion rate, even though we only make up about 13% of the U.S. population.  Furthermore, she explained that when you have or experience an abortion you enter into a “death right,” which is something that we don’t know when considering or even going through with an abortion because the enemy brings about a spirit of deception during that time. It can cause death in your finances, emotions, and can sometimes cause you to be barren when trying to conceive a child. 

Even though you may have experienced an abortion at some point in your life, you have the opportunity to repent and renounce the spirit of death from having an abortion, as I did, and speak life and fruitfulness to your finances, emotions, wounds, marriage, and family.  Today was the day that I walked in complete freedom from shame and allowed God to take complete control over that area of my life.  I encourage you to do the same.